WHAT TO DO WHEN MEMBER IN YOUR FAMILY HAVE PROBLEM WITH PATHOLOGICAL GAMBLING? 

When there’s a problem or compulsive gambler in the family, more than just the gambler is negatively affected. The entire family suffers as a result of the behavior and thinking of the gambling addict. How each family is impacted depends on the severity of the gambling problem, how long it has gone on, the closeness of the relationship with the gambler and other factors. Serious financial, psychological, emotional, social and legal problems may completely undermine family functioning to the point of collapse.

How to help with a gambling problem Compulsive and problem gamblers often need the support of their family and friends to help them in their struggle to stop gambling. But the decision to quit has to be theirs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects, you cannot make someone stop gambling. If your family member has a gambling problem, you may have many conflicting emotions. You may try to cover up for a loved one or spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep him or her from gambling. At the same time, you might be furious at your loved one for gambling again and tired of trying to keep up the charade. The gambler may also have borrowed (or even stolen) money from you with no way to pay it back.

It can be painful and frustrating to see someone you love suffer from a gambling problem. Even worse, you may be suffering the negative impacts of problem gambling even though you don't have the problem. Remember that it's not your fault. You did not create the problem. And unfortunately you cannot make a gambler stop gambling. But you may be able to help your friend or loved one to help themselves.

Tools for family members of problem gamblers

Start by helping yourself. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don’t blame yourself for the gambler’s problems. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.

Don’t go it alone. It can feel so overwhelming coping with a loved one’s problem gambling that it may seem easier to rationalize their requests and problems “this one last time”. Or you might feel ashamed, feeling like you are the only one who has problems like this. Reaching out for support will make you realize that many families have struggled with this problem. Or you might consider therapy to help sort out the complicated feelings that arise from coping with a problem gambler.

Learn to say "NO" to the problem gambler. This will force the gambler to face the problem head-on. Try to unify friends and family in saying no as well. Set boundaries in managing money. If a loved one is serious about getting help for problem gambling, it may help if you take over the family finances to make sure the gambler stays accountable and to prevent relapse. However, this does not mean you are responsible for micromanaging the problem gamblers impulses to gamble. Your first responsibilities are to ensure that your own finances and credit are not at risk.

Consider how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become very good at asking for money, either directly or indirectly. They may use pleading, manipulation or even threats and blaming to get it. It takes time and practice to learn how you will respond to these requests to ensure you are not enabling the problem gambler and keeping your own dignity intact.

Learn as much as you can about problem gambling including its warning signs, negative impacts and options for help and recovery. When confronting someone about problem gambling, stay calm and be supportive. Tell them how their gambling affects you. Recognize their good qualities and any positive steps they have made.

Don’t preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger. Also don’t exclude the gambler from family life and activities.

Don’t expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops. Remember that change takes time, effort and often several attempts to be successful. Be sure to identify triggers and help them learn how to deal with urges to gamble.

SOURCE:https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/behavioral-process-addictions/how-problem-gambling-affects-the-family/

SOURCE:http://www.paproblemgambling.com/get-help

SOURCE:http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/download/331/Helping-a-family-member-with-a-gambling-problem

SOURCE:http://www.masscompulsivegambling.org/get-help/help-for-family-members/

QUOTES FOR ADDICTION RECOVERY

If you’re struggling to overcome an addiction, no one needs to tell you it’s tough – you’re living it. Sometimes you could use a few encouraging words to remind you that you’re not in this alone and that, yes, change really is possible. Here are some quotes for addiction recovery that can strengthen your will and path while overcoming your addiction problem:

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard

“If things go wrong, don’t go with them.” – Roger Babson

“Our greatest glory is not in ever failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you can quit for a day, you can quit for a lifetime.” – Benjamin Alire Sáenz

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“What is addiction, really? It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight that must be understood.” – Alice Miller

“If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome.” – Michael Jordan

If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh

“To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life.” – Samuel Johnson

“Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it.” – J. Petit Senn

“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up some place else.” – Yogi Berra

“Amazing how we can light tomorrow with today.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don’t ever want to be again.” – Shane Niemeyer

“Every noble work is at first impossible.” – Thomas Carlyle

“Not feeling is no replacement for reality. Your problems today are still your problems tomorrow.” – Larry Michael Dredla

“I think that the power is the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you’ve done.” – Robert Downey Jr.

“Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.” – Charlotte Whitton

“Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.” – Brian Tracy

SOURCE: http://www.addictiontreatmentpost.com/addiction-recovery-quotes-overcome-fear/

SOURCE: https://www.addiction.com/7215/70-best-quotes-for-addiction-recovery/

GOODBYE GAMBLING 

 fragments from a book based on a true story

by Dejan Stankovic

     “There are many factors that influence the categorization of a given form of gambling.  According to generally accepted criteria, there are three types of gambling: recreational, problematic, and pathological, but there are no clear borders separating them which would make them more recognizable.  The borders are so unnoticeable and fluid that no gambler is aware of their existence.

      I’d describe it as a vacuum which is created around the borders and overflows from one sphere into another while maintaining the structure of the previous hopeless sphere.  Therefore, when you cross the border from recreational into problematic gambling, you won’t momentarily change your behavioral model.  Instead, you’ll find yourself behaving in the “old” way in a new sphere, under new circumstances.  This is why your reaction will be significantly late, and the consequences incomparably greater.  It’s important for you to know that it’s a one-way road from recreational to pathological gambling, and that a pathological gambler can NEVER, I repeat NEVER go back to gambling recreationally.  He’ll try, and the members of his family will often turn a blind eye to a series of rotten compromises, but time will always prove what I’m telling you to be true.  I must insist that every new relapse (i.e. new debts, crossing over to more difficult spheres) will be more painful in every sense of the word.”

   
    “Man is programmed to push all of life’s ugly events into oblivion, and remember only the pleasant ones, to which time gives greater significance, thus making them even more pleasant.  Behind us is a past that, regardless of our attempts to resuscitate it, remains dead.  Before us lies an uncertain future, and the moment between the past and the future is life.  Have I lived life, or has life lived through me?  I don’t know, but I do know that everything would’ve been different if only I hadn’t been there that night.  I can just imagine all the scenarios that were waiting for me, and the roles I would’ve played if only I hadn’t played the one, the only, role: that of the Gambler.  It’s all over, I no longer repent, I no longer pine for all those scenarios.

      I met Lady Luck in 1973 at a hotel not far from the Black Sea.  I noticed her immediately in her makeup and fine evening wear.  She noticed me, too.  There were a lot of people on the floor that night, but they were mostly her earlier acquaintances.  I, on the other hand, was visiting this place for the first time.  She flirted with me, and in the blink of an eye, she could transform from an untouchable woman into a naïve girl or a hoyden.  The quickness of her transformations made it impossible for me to penetrate her soul and foresee her real intentions.

Many years later, I discovered that she has no soul, no eyes, or heart, but by that time I was already her slave.  I’d surrendered to the course of events like a young man in the hands of a professional.  That night I drank a poison that kills in a special way, over the course of many years, by selectively destroying only man’s healthy potential, thus leaving him at its mercy.  In time, the poison spreads throughout the body, and when the scale tips in favor of our previously restrained darker sides, its full effect can be felt.  Moments of contrition and reflection are the most difficult.  Only then do we become aware of our weakness, and our futile search for an antidote.

HOW PROBLEM GAMBLING AFFECT THE  FAMILY 

When there’s a problem or compulsive gambler in the family, more than just the gambler is negatively affected. The entire family suffers as a result of the behavior and thinking of the gambling addict. Families may be affected in different ways. Gambling problems can be hidden for a long time; so many families are shocked when they learn how much money has been lost. Some relationships do not survive a gambling problem. Other families struggle through difficulties and grow stronger together. People can and do recover from problem gambling, but it takes time and patience to work through all the issues.

How each family is impacted depends on the severity of the gambling problem, how long it has gone on, the closeness of the relationship with the gambler and other factors. Serious financial, psychological, emotional, social and legal problems may completely undermine family functioning to the point of collapse.

Financial

The most common problem is the loss of money. Savings, property or belongings may suddenly be lost. This kind of money crisis makes the family feel scared, angry and betrayed.Out-of-control gambling and repeated gambling losses take a tremendous toll on the family finances. Well-meaning family members, usually the spouse of the gambler, often try to “help” the gambler by lending them money, bailing them out of financial difficulties, paying their bills, helping them to stash money to gamble, and other behaviors related to providing money to the gambler. This is classic enabling and does no good either for the gambler or his or her family. Ultimately, the financial losses become too great. The home may be forced into foreclosure. The family may have to declare bankruptcy. When bills can’t be paid because the gambler has squandered all the money on chasing the losses, more than just money is at stake. The provider can no longer provide, and everyone suffers.

Breakdown In Family Relationships

Trying to deal with the stress and tension brought on as a result of the gambler’s behavior jeopardizes the bond among family members. When the spouse, children, siblings and other family members can no longer trust the gambler, feel no sense of security, have no confidence in the gambler or even fear for their future, the result is a breakdown in the family relationships. Endless lies, staying out late or not coming home at all, threats, manipulation and violence or domestic abuse all contribute to the dissolution of family ties.Shame, avoidance of friends, secrecy and trying to hide the pain further magnify the isolation the family members feel as the gambler’s behavior gets more and more out of control.

Many families under stress have trouble coping. One member may try to keep things in control by taking on more tasks. This can lead to burnout. Family members often focus on the person with gambling problems, and forget to take care of themselves or to have fun.

Emotional Devastation

Gambling problems cause strong feelings.These feelings make it harder to solve problems. .Anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, insomnia, behavioral problems and emotional insecurity begin to afflict all the family members that are closest to or living in the same environment as the problem or compulsive gambler. The spouse or family members may hide their feelings and refrain from saying certain things, afraid that it may trigger an explosive outburst. Children often seek to distract the attention away from the gambler by being disruptive, comedic or inordinately charming, or they react in the opposite manner and become withdrawn, quiet, and fearful. Older children may assume the role of protector of the younger siblings, or attempt to pick up the responsibilities of one or both parents. They often try to overcompensate at school, believing that if they were only better in their scholastic achievement, maybe their gambling parent would love them more and quit gambling. The emotional roller coaster continues to wreak devastation on the children’s emotional development the longer the gambler keeps gambling and does not get treatment. But, again, everyone in the gambler’s family suffers emotional consequences.

Sexual Dysfunction

With no trust in the gambler, no belief in their word, the spouse of the gambler often withdraws from the relationship in the form of sex. What sex there is may become perfunctory at best. Harboring intense feelings of anger and blame, the non-gambling spouse cannot show feelings of love. As the cycle of gambling continues with even more damaging consequences, the gambler loses all desire for sexual intimacy – his or her life is now controlled by gambling. The result for the non-gambling spouse is often complete demoralization, loss of self-esteem and confidence.

Violence

Family violence is more common when families are in crisis.With tensions escalating at a dangerous pace, the arguments and emotional outbursts may end in violence. Gambling problems can lead to physical or emotional abuse of a partner, elder parent or child. Both parents may vent their anger at the children, while the children may try to stick up for one parent or defuse the tensions. They may also become pawns in the never-ending squabbling. The bigger the losses, the longer the out-of-control gambling goes on, the greater the potential for serious bodily harm to family members.

According to the systematic review, over half of people with gambling problems (56%) report perpetrating physical violence against their children (Dowling et al., in press). Moreover, several recent Australian studies have found that one-third to one-half (34-53%) of people with gambling problems and their family members report some form of family violence in the previous 12 months (victimisation (27-41%), perpetration (23-33%); Dowling, Jackson et al., 2014; Suomi et al., 2013). In these studies, parents, current partners and former partners were both the most common perpetrators and victims of the family violence. However, results from studies involving family members other than partners must be interpreted with caution. Only a few studies are available with large variability in reported prevalence estimates.

Gambling And Dependency

Some problem and compulsive gamblers have more than one dependency. It is commonly accepted that individuals with one type of addiction often have others as well. This may be an addiction to alcohol, illicit drugs, pharmaceutical drugs used for nonmedical purposes, or other type of substance. Just because someone gambles, however, doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to be addicted to something else, but the patterns of behavior are already established – particularly if one or more of the gambler’s parents had a problem with alcohol, drugs and/or gambling.

There are, of course, many gamblers who do not become otherwise addicted, saying that no other activity or substance gives them the kind of euphoria, excitement or “high” that gambling does.

SOURCE:https://aifs.gov.au/agrc/publications/impact-gambling-problems-families/what-are-impacts-gambling-problems-families

SOURCE:https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/behavioral-process-addictions/how-problem-gambling-affects-the-family/

SOURCE:https://www.problemgambling.ca/gambling-help/support-for-families/how-are-families-affected.aspx

GOODBYE GAMBLING

fragments from the book based on a true story

by Dejan Stankovic

If you’re reading this book, chances are you’ve felt gambling’s bittersweet taste, and somewhere inside you, the struggle between good and evil, between life and death, has begun.  I know you’re weak, and unsure of your ultimate success, but don’t worry.  Deep down, everything that’s happening to you is the same as what I endured while I was a pathological gambler, and there are many others like me who’ve gone through the same things and managed to slay the invisible monster known as Gambling.

Maybe you don’t think you’re a gambler, but as they say “time will tell.”  The longer you deceive yourself, the higher the price you’ll pay.  The price is not a sum of money, but the weight of the albatross(es) around your neck that will only grow heavier with time, and prove difficult to live with, not to mention the suffering of your parents, brothers, sisters, children…

Your behavior opens a door through which restlessness, fear, and later, illness will come, uninvited, for what’s theirs, i.e. yours.  Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap, but if it has already begun to close in around you, get out as quickly as you can.  As the saying goes: whether the stone hits the pitcher or the pitcher hits the stone, it’s going to be bad for the pitcher.  However intelligent you may be, however different you think you are from everyone else, please understand that in the gambling machinery, you’re just one of the slaves, just one in a series of losers.  Understand that you are nothing.

It’s not my intention to reason with you, or convince you to stop.  I only want to present an offer of life on two separate counters.  You chose which one you prefer.

If you want to deceive and owe, to be banished because of money as the interest piles up… if you’d rather be worry about the game than take a walk with your girlfriend… if winning is more precious to you than your mother’s laughter… make that choice.  Just know that you’re sick.  Don’t get angry, but things need to be called by their proper names.  It’s not a lifestyle, it’s a DISEASE.

I have faith in your intelligence, and that you’ll at least admit that I’m right.  Get into a fight with that infernal industry and turn your back on it.  Then you’ll look into life and see everything you haven’t seen until now.  Believe that until this point, you’d been in the dark.  I think you deserve a chance.  What about you?

Though the struggle is difficult, you’ll begin to see quickly, and in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king!!!

That’s enough now!