WHAT TO DO WHEN MEMBER IN YOUR FAMILY HAVE PROBLEM WITH PATHOLOGICAL GAMBLING? 

When there’s a problem or compulsive gambler in the family, more than just the gambler is negatively affected. The entire family suffers as a result of the behavior and thinking of the gambling addict. How each family is impacted depends on the severity of the gambling problem, how long it has gone on, the closeness of the relationship with the gambler and other factors. Serious financial, psychological, emotional, social and legal problems may completely undermine family functioning to the point of collapse.

How to help with a gambling problem Compulsive and problem gamblers often need the support of their family and friends to help them in their struggle to stop gambling. But the decision to quit has to be theirs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects, you cannot make someone stop gambling. If your family member has a gambling problem, you may have many conflicting emotions. You may try to cover up for a loved one or spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep him or her from gambling. At the same time, you might be furious at your loved one for gambling again and tired of trying to keep up the charade. The gambler may also have borrowed (or even stolen) money from you with no way to pay it back.

It can be painful and frustrating to see someone you love suffer from a gambling problem. Even worse, you may be suffering the negative impacts of problem gambling even though you don't have the problem. Remember that it's not your fault. You did not create the problem. And unfortunately you cannot make a gambler stop gambling. But you may be able to help your friend or loved one to help themselves.

Tools for family members of problem gamblers

Start by helping yourself. You have a right to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don’t blame yourself for the gambler’s problems. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.

Don’t go it alone. It can feel so overwhelming coping with a loved one’s problem gambling that it may seem easier to rationalize their requests and problems “this one last time”. Or you might feel ashamed, feeling like you are the only one who has problems like this. Reaching out for support will make you realize that many families have struggled with this problem. Or you might consider therapy to help sort out the complicated feelings that arise from coping with a problem gambler.

Learn to say "NO" to the problem gambler. This will force the gambler to face the problem head-on. Try to unify friends and family in saying no as well. Set boundaries in managing money. If a loved one is serious about getting help for problem gambling, it may help if you take over the family finances to make sure the gambler stays accountable and to prevent relapse. However, this does not mean you are responsible for micromanaging the problem gamblers impulses to gamble. Your first responsibilities are to ensure that your own finances and credit are not at risk.

Consider how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become very good at asking for money, either directly or indirectly. They may use pleading, manipulation or even threats and blaming to get it. It takes time and practice to learn how you will respond to these requests to ensure you are not enabling the problem gambler and keeping your own dignity intact.

Learn as much as you can about problem gambling including its warning signs, negative impacts and options for help and recovery. When confronting someone about problem gambling, stay calm and be supportive. Tell them how their gambling affects you. Recognize their good qualities and any positive steps they have made.

Don’t preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger. Also don’t exclude the gambler from family life and activities.

Don’t expect immediate recovery, or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops. Remember that change takes time, effort and often several attempts to be successful. Be sure to identify triggers and help them learn how to deal with urges to gamble.

SOURCE:https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/behavioral-process-addictions/how-problem-gambling-affects-the-family/

SOURCE:http://www.paproblemgambling.com/get-help

SOURCE:http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/download/331/Helping-a-family-member-with-a-gambling-problem

SOURCE:http://www.masscompulsivegambling.org/get-help/help-for-family-members/

GOODBYE GAMBLING 

 fragments from a book based on a true story

by Dejan Stankovic

     “There are many factors that influence the categorization of a given form of gambling.  According to generally accepted criteria, there are three types of gambling: recreational, problematic, and pathological, but there are no clear borders separating them which would make them more recognizable.  The borders are so unnoticeable and fluid that no gambler is aware of their existence.

      I’d describe it as a vacuum which is created around the borders and overflows from one sphere into another while maintaining the structure of the previous hopeless sphere.  Therefore, when you cross the border from recreational into problematic gambling, you won’t momentarily change your behavioral model.  Instead, you’ll find yourself behaving in the “old” way in a new sphere, under new circumstances.  This is why your reaction will be significantly late, and the consequences incomparably greater.  It’s important for you to know that it’s a one-way road from recreational to pathological gambling, and that a pathological gambler can NEVER, I repeat NEVER go back to gambling recreationally.  He’ll try, and the members of his family will often turn a blind eye to a series of rotten compromises, but time will always prove what I’m telling you to be true.  I must insist that every new relapse (i.e. new debts, crossing over to more difficult spheres) will be more painful in every sense of the word.”

   
    “Man is programmed to push all of life’s ugly events into oblivion, and remember only the pleasant ones, to which time gives greater significance, thus making them even more pleasant.  Behind us is a past that, regardless of our attempts to resuscitate it, remains dead.  Before us lies an uncertain future, and the moment between the past and the future is life.  Have I lived life, or has life lived through me?  I don’t know, but I do know that everything would’ve been different if only I hadn’t been there that night.  I can just imagine all the scenarios that were waiting for me, and the roles I would’ve played if only I hadn’t played the one, the only, role: that of the Gambler.  It’s all over, I no longer repent, I no longer pine for all those scenarios.

      I met Lady Luck in 1973 at a hotel not far from the Black Sea.  I noticed her immediately in her makeup and fine evening wear.  She noticed me, too.  There were a lot of people on the floor that night, but they were mostly her earlier acquaintances.  I, on the other hand, was visiting this place for the first time.  She flirted with me, and in the blink of an eye, she could transform from an untouchable woman into a naïve girl or a hoyden.  The quickness of her transformations made it impossible for me to penetrate her soul and foresee her real intentions.

Many years later, I discovered that she has no soul, no eyes, or heart, but by that time I was already her slave.  I’d surrendered to the course of events like a young man in the hands of a professional.  That night I drank a poison that kills in a special way, over the course of many years, by selectively destroying only man’s healthy potential, thus leaving him at its mercy.  In time, the poison spreads throughout the body, and when the scale tips in favor of our previously restrained darker sides, its full effect can be felt.  Moments of contrition and reflection are the most difficult.  Only then do we become aware of our weakness, and our futile search for an antidote.

COULD YOUR CHILD BE A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER?

    Parents (and educators) will list drugs, alcohol, bullying, sex, and grades among their concerns for their children. The list is incomplete if it does not include gambling. Could your child have a gambling problem or the beginnings of one? We know that many children are introduced to gambling at a young age, often innocently, since the adults in their lives have no knowledge of the potential consequences. Gambling may be part of their parents’ social lives or vacations, or perhaps members of the family gamble on sports, play poker, buy lottery tickets or “scratch offs”, go to racetracks or casinos, or gamble on the internet. Children receive the message that gambling is great fun and if you are lucky or good at it, you can make lots of money gambling. Even if there are none of these activities in the home, our children receive this message through a variety of media. Even seemingly harmless internet games introduce children to the “fun”, “challenging”, and “winning” experiences of gambling. Gambling is easily accessible on computers, tablets, and mobile phones in formats that many adults are not even familiar with. Some children may be unaffected by all of this. It is very difficult to know in advance which ones may be affected. When the invisible line is crossed from social gambling to problem or addictive (compulsive) gambling, it is a life altering change for the gambler and loved ones. Compulsive gambling is not just about the money won or lost, but also about the drastic changes in behavior and the growing unmanageability of everyday life. Our experience with our own compulsive gamblers has taught us that compulsive gambling can begin at any age. Many of our gamblers, men and women, began gambling in childhood. Based on our experience and the numbers of parents of teens and young adults joining our meetings, we believe that gambling has a place among the list of parents’ concerns.

     Finally, research indicates that children growing up in families affected by problem gambling were more likely to develop gambling problems themselves than children raised in non problem gambling families even after controlling for other factors. Some young people have told me that they first started gambling because they simply wanted to understand what was in gambling for their mother or their father, who were absent from their lives in many different ways.

     It’s not difficult for children and teenagers to gamble, either. Many states permit children under 18 to gamble. Internet gambling and sports betting are easy for young people to do, and they’re all over the Web, being the most tech-savvy generation so far. According to research reported by the National Council on Problem Gambling, “a vast majority of kids have gambled before their18th birthday.”

 What are the signs that your child may have a problem with gambling?

 1.  Are you concerned about the amount of time your child spends on the computer, on mobile

      devices, watching sports, playing cards, etc., or how often these activities distract from family

      activities, sleep?

 2.  Are you uncomfortable with your child’s friends or their activities together?

 3.  Are you aware of bets your child is making with friends or classmates?

 4.  Has your child lost interest in activities he or she once enjoyed?

 5.  Have your child’s grades slipped or does your child miss school or classes?

 6.  Does your child work but never seem to have money?

 7.  Does your child have more money or unexplained money, or does your child spend money

      beyond  his/her apparent means?

 8.  Have you experienced money or items missing from your home? Do you suspect your child might

      be stealing?

 9.  Has your child asked to borrow large amounts of money?

10. Do you find yourself rescuing your child from financial crises resulting from gambling?

11. Does your child have an intense reaction during sporting events when one team is either losing or

      winning?

12. Does your child promise to never gamble again – and then gamble?

13. Have you noticed changes in your child’s personality, including mood swings?

14. Has your child become secretive? 15. Does your child lie about money or about gambling

      acitivities?

SOURCE:http://www.gam-anon.org/index.php/about-gam-anon/could-your-child-be-a-compulsive-gambler

CLIENTS ABOUT PROGRAM OF HERC TIME CENTER

 

I. G. (22): At the beginning I didn’t really have an idea how the program is going to look like. But as soon as it has started I gained a new will for engaging in it because I noticed a positive change in my behavior. I became aware of some things that were not important for me before. I learned how to behave in the right manner, how to speak for myself using ways of assertive communication, how to differ irrational from rational thinking and how to apply all those new mechanism in my fight with gambling.

A. H. (20): In the beginning I was feeling skeptical but during the rest of the counseling I realized that I am feeling better, that I am moving forward. That’s when I started to be sure that I am going to beat my problem. The fact which I like the most is that people from Herc Time were really involved and focused on me and my gambling problem. They were not interested only in taking my money and spending the rest of the program with no effort in helping me. They were trying really hard and they made it. 

N. K. (19): I was so afraid, scared to death… and I ended up extremely satisfied. I expected less than I actually got from the Herc Time and know I am feeling better on both fields – physical and mental. 

A. M. (28): In the beginning I didn’t expect too much. But, as the time was passing by, my expectations started  to grow big because during the program I have found myself again; I learned new mechanisms that helped me to improve the quality of my life and solve the gambling problem that I had. I was impressed the most when I realized how easily they found the core of my problem and how immediately we started to work on it with so much effort. Before the program, I believed that some huge philosophy is needed in order to help me but actually the key was more simple than that – now I believe that the most important and useful thing is to be always aware of yourself and others and to approach rationally to the world. It appears that we don’t need a lot in order to be happy.

M. K. (29): When I entered the program I was hostile and in resistance. Now I know that it was the consequence of my psychological condition at that time. After couple of sessions I let myself free and started to work with more trust in people from Herc Time who were trying really hard to explain me some things that later triggered my recovery. Now, after 5 months, I can say that they were right about everything they were saying. Every advice, every suggestion now perfectly makes sense. I cannot describe how thankful I am because they helped me and my family to close the door of the hell called gambling. 

P. M. (27): At the very beginning of the treatment I had no idea what is all about. Now I can say that the program is very good and different in comparison to many others I have heard about. Focus on presence and recognition of the impulse for gambling I found most useful in my case. But also, everything else that I have learned might be very helpful during everyday life. Many thanks to Herc Time team.

M. S. (30): I expected to stop gambling and to improve the quality of my life. And that is what I have got after only 2 month and 25 days. 

D. B. (25): The process I went through was really on a higher level. I learned a lot of things – how to behave in critical situations, how to react, what to change about myself, how to behave with others. I will definitely keep working on assertive communication. I learned a lot about consequences of gambling, how it can influence our organism and our conscience and have can I control my urges for gambling. I am here only 7 days and I am already feeling better – I am cheerful, refreshed and full of new information that I am ready to use in process of distancing from gambling. Treatment in Herc Time is completely professional. 

T. S. (27): When I came in Herc Time Center for the first time my only expectation was to solve the problem with gambling. But soon my appetite grew because I realized that I have an opportunity not only to work on gambling problem but to explore some other inner conflicts that are much deeper than gambling. The program is quite comprehensive and provides you a lot of support and challenges for dealing with yourself. I recommend you all to contact Herc Time Center for help, I am absolutely sure that you will make a progress and that you won’t regret any time and money.

S. M. (31): I came to Herc Time with an intention to heal and complete the program successfully. I came with no idea about the program that I was about to follow but already, after the first day, I realized that I am at the right place. I kept that feeling from day to day. I was feeling better and better as I was born again. Finally I was living normal life again. I find most important the approach they had towards me that helped me to relax and think clear-headed. People from Herc Time, just keep doing that way. THANK YOU A LOT FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.

 

 

DEALING WITH GAMBLING FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE:

 

Do you want to stop gambling? Do you really want to stop gambling or want to return the money you owe? Do you really want to stop gambling or you're just fed up now, you're tired of the losses, quarrels and mistrust. Do you promise what you really think or what you would like to think?

If you really want to stop gambling then make a decision and go solve the problem. Time will pass whatever you are doing ... what kind of mood will you celebrate summer? As a winner or a loser? It depends on you and the skills and knowledge to deal with excuses that came bursting from all sides.

We'll teach you how not to gamble. Easy ...

Pathological gambling addiction like any other disease has its phases.

Repayment of debts can't solve the problem, but it is deepening the problem. Gambler will pray, promise, will be ready to swear in all the world. He meant it at the time because he was tired of the lies, manipulation, pressure lenders, interest and who knows what else ... But what happens when the money back and body rest? Again, all in a circle !!!

Do not try to solve the problem or prohibitions to experiment with your own methods because you will lose time and money. You must know that gamblers doing well in 'their world'  of manipulations. It is easier to defend the system regardless of the price, but to begin to build a new one.

The work of Herc Time Center includes:

 

• Initial psychological assessment-determining the intensity of pathological gambling problem and  the consequences of this problem.
• Individual psychological counseling combined with unique program developed by Dejan Stankovic (head of  Herc Time Center). The work includes construction of defense towers, visualization pulses and decoding the wrong behavior patterns.
• Monitoring progress of the client as well as the evaluation of the program.
   

There are no unsolvable problems. Anyone who has a problem with gambling has in itself the wrong program which needs to be interpreted, decoded and replaced with new and correct program. This can't be done by someone from their environment: parents, family, doctors, psychologists, only by someone who understands the problem. In the Herc Time Center we are helping people to understand the mechanisms of the problem and to find right and permanent solution in its own model with the patterns of behavior analyzes.

 

LIFE AFTER GAMBLING

(letter from the wife of our client)

In this way I would like to thank Herc Time Center for everything they have done for my family and me. If we didn't go to Novi Sad, I don't believe that we will be still together and who knows how his life would end. He is only 32 years old. This problem was too big and no one was able to help us. Kilometers couldn't be an obstacle and no money cold return a wasted life. 

My husband was a pathological gambler. When he admitted to family that he's a gambler, in a few days he went to the community of treated addicts. He stayed there about a month, but without any progress. He needed an isolation as soon as possible. Then we knew too little about gambling and about program of  Herc Time Center. In the community he didn't get answers to all the questions that have troubled him for years. Personally, I think that the community wasn't good for him, because there are a lot of people with addiction problems, like drugs, alcohol, but not that much with gambling problem. They share experiences with each other, talk, but they don't have professional assistance. The community is linked to the church and works on the principle if you have work habits and true values, like believing in Good, your problems will be solved. That principle didn't help my husband. In Herc Time Center, we got all the answers we needed, and we are so thankful to them for that. 

I would like to thank Herc Time Center,  and to say to everyone who has a problem with gambling that there is a solution. Just call the Herc Time Center and you will receive all the right information at one place. Wandering can take you in the wrong direction. Life is only one and there's no place for mistakes like this one.

MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT 

GAMBLING ADDICTION 

AND PROBLEM GAMBLING

MYTH: You have to gamble every day to be a problem gambler. 

FACT: A problem gambler may gamble frequently or infrequently. Gambling is a problem if it causes problems.

MYTH: Problem gambling is not really a problem if the gambler can afford it. 

FACT: Problems caused by excessive gambling are not just financial. Too much time spent on gambling can also lead to relationship and legal problems, job loss, mental health problems including depression and anxiety, and even suicide.

MYTH: Partners of problem gamblers often drive problem gamblers to gamble. 

FACT: Problem gamblers often rationalize their behavior. Blaming others is one way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, including what is needed to overcome the problem.

MYTH: If a problem gambler builds up a debt, you should help them take care of it. 

FACT: Quick fix solutions may appear to be the right thing to do. However, bailing the gambler out of debt may actually make matters worse by enabling gambling problems to continue.

SOURCE: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/gambling-addiction-and-problem-gambling.htm#understanding

SOURCE: http://poker-gambling-addiction.blogspot.rs/